Friday, 16 November 2012

Capturing the Zeitgeist...

Tring a ling a ling...

The door tinkled shut - marking the end of the first day of business for 'Capturing the Zeitgeist' - the sparkliest vintage, shabbiest chic'est, nearly newest, shop in town.  Nestled between 'Poundland' and 'William Hill' the new shop was destined for a far reaching clientèle - one  that Crusty Allpot (owner of a rival establishment) could only conjure up in her imagination.

Margot (silent 't' please...as in Merlot and Lego...) heaved a heavily vintage sigh (laden with a faint whiff of Fisherman's Friend).  She sank into the one remaining chair - one which she had, oh so cleverly, revamped only that morning - a light touch of Dulux, with a whisper of sandpaper round the edges, and the manicured 1930s chair now had the air of a manicured 1930s chair. Grandmother would have been so proud Margot  murmured to herself and to her carefully coiffured Viennese Schnitzel ( a rare breed still undergoing tests by the Kennel Club as they cannot quite fathom the rear end).  Margot allowed herself the smallest of vintage smiles and adjusted her voluminous spectacles.  Originally belonging to Princess Margaret,  Margot had fought hard for these waspish specs on 'UPaidHowMuch!' and surprised us all by winning with a bid of just under £2 325.  She only had to pay a further £356.25 to have new double glazed, solar panelled lenses fitted by Everest....(I bet you weren't expecting that today were you?). Margot had in fact told her husband that she had pulled the glasses out of a skip and received a discount from Everest because she had once worked with Ted Moult (something for the slightly older reader...). Ted had, oh so wisely, informed Margot that you only fit new double glazed, solar panelled, lenses once - so fit the best -  fit Everest.

Perhaps Margot had a right to be so self-satisfied - she had after all spotted the empty shop only three days before and had marshalled a bewildering array of trades people to pare the place back to its original 1996 strip lighting and faux laminate flooring.  It was indeed a wonderment. The local Gazette had fallen under her spell and were documenting the peeling back of the years as though it were the Mary Rose itself.  On each of the three days there could also  be seen a little clucking of women who flattened their faces against the tinted glass windows to see what vintage delights were to be revealed. There was a real buzz about the place which Margot had cleverly fostered by creating a certain mystic (or should that be Mustique!!), an aura, a vibe.  She had done this by displaying a different key item outside the shop each day. This was her USP.

On Day One it was a  hand dipped (in 'Charcoal-White' - from the soon to be launched 'Making with Margot' paint range - available in Robert Dyas only - BOGOF initial offer, double discount if you can produce  'Magic with Margot' or 'How I wrote a book with little content but nice pictures' book) painted, multiple-woven TWO-HANDLED (emphasis as the one handled range had not been so successful) basket.  This created such a storm that 'Poundland' next door had a run on baskets that very afternoon. Phew!

Day Two: Margot carefully shipped in from the other end of the country some low carbon foot printed foot prints - these had been extruded from  molten larva and then cast in wax.  Essence of finest vanilla extract had been added in for extra effect.  To be fair the locals were a little puzzled by this one - what the heck were they for?  But in true Emperor New Clothes fashion they were soon dipping their own feet in boiling wax - though it did smart a bit  they all agreed that the end result was worth the searing heat and lava-ridden blistering. They laughed when one participant likened the pain to that of the chilblains of her youth - not even close they cried (Martha was indeed actually crying with pain at this point). Even Arthur joined in with this one - but he reported that his arthritis had actually improved - so Margot could now add 'Bare Foot Doctor' to her ever growing list of skills.  Indeed by close of play Margot had sketched an outline for her new range of pedicure ware for Boots.  She even had the brass neck to design special 'Chilblain Snugglers' (in a range of pistachio, strawberry and  'blue lip'  - mottled hues).  An extra fungal nail in Crusty Allpot's coffin as she had considered a similar empire in chilblain condiments herself (hoping to launch it with her business partner Lil Denser). Simply unstoppable.

By Day Three there was a positive frenzy because Margot had casually lain a woollen dog blanket on the pavement.  This in fact belonged to the Viennese Schnitzel and had been accidentally dropped after Margot had let it  go to use the Pooper Scooper...

Rest assured readers we will be keeping a very close eye on 'Capturing the Zeitgeist' and will  be following its shenanigans at every vintage turn....


Ho ho.....

Oh you British with your strange sense of humour...

38 comments:

  1. Very Funny !!!
    My chairs have been smothered in gloopy paint so I shall get Fin to bash them about a bit in the morning, baskets drying (Margot would be proud)
    Thea x

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    1. Very pleased to hear of your baskets Thea! More of the same please!
      Best wishes
      Jenny
      PS Margot is indeed proud

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  2. Very funny; I must be slipping; I got to hand dipped baskets before I got it!

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    1. Ho ho Attila - keep up!
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  3. Very clever Jenny ... Poor old Crusty!

    Must just go, lots of baskets to dip!

    Love, Claire xxx

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    1. Looking forward to seeing your baskets Claire....
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  4. PMSL - can't think which paint dipped, lightly sanded goddess of all things crafty you mean!! Had de-requested the new book as I think I can already suck eggs ;)

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    1. I love your last sentence Vicki (is de-request like de-plane?)
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  5. Oh Jenny you should really be writing scripts for the TV!

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    1. Ah Dear Gill - currently negotiating with Channel 4....
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  6. Brilliantly funny way to start the weekend! I enjoyed reading that - you are quite the story-teller! :)

    I must post the photo I took yesterday of a local vintage shop and their response to 'Crusty Allpot" - made me laugh out loud right there on the pavement in town.

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    1. Dear wendz - I shall be popping round shortly - please put the kettle on
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  7. You do realise I had to read this to the end, (twice!) and now I'm going to be late getting ready for my, 'can't remember the last time I did this, weekend away! Brilliantly funny, I'm sure you are very good in your present career, but somehow I think there's other things you should be doing.........thanks for the giggle, now where's my suitcase, and my socks without the holes!!! :) x

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    1. Dear Ada - thank you kindly - I indeed hope that you have a lovely weekend away
      Best wishes
      Jenny
      PS - every single one of my socks has holes in = why is that!

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  8. ...yes the one handle range was such a disappointment *sigh*
    x

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    1. Along with candles with no wicks...
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  9. Jenny,
    Sorry cant comment today as very busy emptying the contents of my bedroom to display outside my garage.
    I will take a snap to send to Margot and see what advice she can dispense on
    'vintaging' my vintage.

    Daisy x

    Ps will be watching next week, as comedy element grossly underated who knew?

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    1. All the best with you new display technique! Of course I too will continue to watch - I like to huff and puff!
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  10. Don't think I shall watch the second programme in the series, I think you have told me all I need to know about it! Sadly I know Mr RV has already got me the book for Christmas (he is rubbish at secrets) can't say I'm looking forward to unwrapping it. Mrs RV x

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    1. Oh I did laugh reading this - I can imagine the face that you will have to contrive Christmas morning...
      Have a lovely day
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  11. Very cold here today. Oh if only I had the money...I would rush into town and buy lots of hideously expensive bits of new material to cut up and sew together again to pretend it is an old quilt. And I could wrap myself in the quilt and dream of happier times...
    ...as it is, I shall just have to warm my hands at a fire lit with screwed up old bits of paper [my pin up pics of Ted Moult, Barry Bucknell and Percy Thrower]
    Please keep me informed of future developments at Margot's Place. Thank you

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    1. Barry Bucknell - now that is a blast from the past. I think we have him to blame for my dad's fiendish ripping out of all the original fireplaces and chimney breasts and not putting any support in their place!! Yikes.

      Keep warm with Barry Bucknell (could be the name of a new series...)
      Ha ha
      Best wishes
      Jenny
      PS - your quilt quip made me laugh too Angela

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  12. We got offered a radiogram today. I declined as I thought they were ugly things when I was a child. All I could think of was my dad axing it up so he could make some shelves for my bedroom and he needed another bit to make his golf trolley buzz along. Margot would have loved him with his re-purposing ways. Dad even chopped some DM boots down to shoes with a Stanley knife, but was banned from wearing them to the golf club by my mum. Margot is clearly aiming for the numpties who don't get old stuff, so I wonder if they actually want it in the first place. I saw 5 mins on the iplayer and fell asleep into my crochet.

    Have to admit I thought you'd lost the plot at first, then thought thank god we're not alone in our derision.

    X

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    1. What the mahooja!! Your Dad crafted shoes out of boots???? Now that deserves the double expresso, gold top, crafty crafter award for above and beyond the call of duty! How I would have loved to see them.
      Thank you for calling in
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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    2. It sealed the deal with my man Jenny. He said he knew he would get on grand with my dad from that story on.

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  13. Absolutely love this! This making things 'vintage' from non-vintage stuff has gone too far. Making rubbish out of some decent furniture half the time, too. But worse than Crusty Allpot was some of the silly ideas on Mrs Moneypenny this week ... did you see the glitter nail varnish made, well, from glitter? And cutting the arms out of a pretty nasty jumper and making that 1980s fashion only suitable for ballet dancers and cart horses ... leg warmers? This programme makes Crusty Allpot and her dipping perfectly good baskets into white paint and turning them into something beyond the pale look clever.

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    1. Hello galant and much welcome to you. I did not see Mrs Moneypenny but I will of course now have to seek it out. I love your leg warmer quip - very funny! Thank you for the laugh
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  14. Brilliant post, It really made me giggle and I for one will no longer be subjecting myself to such silliness of vintage-ness, oh the commercialising of vintage is scandelous! xox Penelope
    ps. I am new to your blog and am loving having a rummage x

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    1. Welcome abroad dear Penelope - I hope you have enjoyed your rummage round. It is all getting a bit daft isn't it. Ramping it up for Christmas too!
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  15. Hi Jenny,I feel a little sorry for Crusty Allpot,she does try sooo hard to find her niche in the world,scooting around trying to decide wether to be an estate agent, a cook a florist,a home designer or a basket dipper! the choices are many and varied and she must be quite worn out with all the dashing around and finding time to write books as well!!It's about time people came to her place, after all travel expenses can be easily paid by the BBC, I'd even pay about a £130 a year towards it myself!!Warm Regards Pam.

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    1. Dear, dear Pam
      Don't get me started on travel expenses - why do reporters have to be sent to the other ends of the globe for a 30 second report and it is night time!
      I too wish to add 'basket dipper' to my list of skills!

      Have fun this week Pam
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  16. Love it...so pleased Crusty's been rumbled. Our linen didn't sell yesterday but our 'sod offs' flew. Perhaps subversive embroidery is the next big thing? I'll ask Margot. Eco Ethel xx

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    1. Yay! So glad that you found your way here Ethel (by the time I reached home I had forgotten your name so spent a while searching Eco Edna!! Glad that you did well - I was in minus equity by the end of play. Oh dear
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  17. Just brilliant ... gave me something to laugh about on my first day back at work after almost a week off! Whoops, did I just admit to reading a blog when I should be working!! Jenny - I can't reply to your comments on my blog as you appear as a 'no-reply comment blogger'. Would you mind sending me your email address and then I will be able to reply to you directly. Have a good week. M x

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    1. Thank you dear Jane - I will see if I can change my profile otherwise I will send my email - thank you that is kind to go out of your way

      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  18. Hi Jenny
    Loved this, it made a tired lady laugh-out-loud.
    Just watched episode 2 on Ch4 replay-thingy, poor Rocky Outcrop/Crusty Allport, she is just a vehicle to get some revenue for Ch4 book sales methinks. Although I do think any encouragement of crafts is good, dipping of (expensive) wicker into under-bed storage boxes of B&Q emulsion does not constitute a 'craft'.
    X Sally @Lavender Attic
    PS If you watch it online you can skip the majority and just watch the 'reveal' at the end, or the Meerkat adverts.

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    1. Thank you kindly Sally - it is all getting a bit daft I think and scrapping the barrel when in fact there is soooo much excellentay stuff that they could be showing. As I switched loyalty to watch 'Masterchef' last night I may have to watch on-line for last night's episode!
      Best wishes
      Jenny

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  19. Haha, I've not watched any of the programme this time but someone did buy me her latest book. I must admit I was very bemused when it came to the 'dipping a basket in paint' section, anyone who has ever read my blog will know I am fond of cutting corners and easy peasy craft, but I like to think my upcycles actually improve the object in question!

    Found you via 15 Coast Road.
    Lakota x

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