La Cootard interview

La Cootard interview....

When we first went to La Cootard's residence we were a little nervous - what would she be like in real life and can it be true that she really has ALL THAT STUFF.  We knocked on the door (no bell we noted...you would think..wouldn't you) and waited....we could hear her thundering down the stairs  and.... we were IN!

We were soon clucking round a cup of tea.  No cake was dispensed and Asda mugs were disappointingly used....later we checked as to why and she said too many 'friends' half inched stuff so now most china was kept in a heavily locked room.  However it was lovely to hear La Cootard's light, tinkling, delicate (!) laughter particularly when we asked where she got her choice items from:

'Well' she tinkled, 'I source - let us pluhheeeze get the terminology correct - (tinkle....tinkle) goods from a wide area  sometimes I go as far afield as Havant though usually I keep to a mile circumference of the house'.  At this point we were disappointed all over again as we had envisioned items being gleaned from exotic locale the world over!

'Is it true that you were once offered a book deal?'

We asked the question tentatively as we had heard that this was a sore point with La Cootard.  A little thunder cloud appeared over La Cootard's head and we saw her assistant quickly move in to lend a supportive arm.

 'I decided not to write the book' La Cootard retorted 'The intention with my  new book was that it  would blow the lid off the 'thin in content' books offered elsewhere....no names, no pack drill. My book was intended to be packed with NEW ideas and inspiration but the publisher decided that what they really needed was a rehash of everything that had been done before...The publishers also highlighted that a photograph of an ageing nude woman sporting nothing but  a subtly draped vintage embroidered tablecloth  (which I had insisted on being on the front cover and had been highlighted in the contract)  would...in their words..... :

'Cause more offence than it would delight'.....


At this point La Cootard bid a hasty retreat to the 'small room' where we could hear a  great deal of nose blowing  (her assistant shoved a few delicately embroidered vintage hankies under the door).  The nose trumpet  was coupled with a few: 'Why, oh whys' - all emanating from beneath the badly fitted DIY/ botched door job that she had 'oh so artfully' shown on her blog a few weeks previous and expected everyone to make kind comments about....

To be honest we were not sure if she was more upset about the book deal or the refusal of the front cover photo : a bit of both perhaps.

We felt that this was not the time to deliver home truths about ladies of a 'certain age'.....

Eventually La Cootard emerged... a little blotchy faced.... from the 'small room'.  She was wiping her face on an original 1950s towel (that disturbingly had a semi-clad floozy emblazoned across it....oh the irony!).

We hesitatingly restarted the interview : 'What drew you to all this stuff in the first place La Cootard?' (we all want to know that one!)

 'Well I could say that it was a childhood where we had very little - but it is probably borne from a fear of debt.  In my day (cue children... eye rolling...) second hand meant CHEAP and CHEAP meant that I could buy more STUFF - money went further so it was obvious really'.  We certainly had to agree with her on this point - there was an awful lot of stuff and an awful lot of awful stuff.

As La Cootard appeared to have settled down we thought we would go for the 'killer question': 'Could we please ask how many tablecloths you have?'

We held our collective breath.  We could tell that  La Cootard was trying to do some quite difficult calculations (at one point Pythagoras was muttered and Pi(e) squared).  Clearly she was  mentally walking round the house trying to add things up.  After a bit of heading weaving from side to side - eyes pointed upwards in order to focus -  the answer came:

 'I have absolutely no idea'.

During the interview it was apparent that La Cootard's ego had been bruised by 'vintage experiences' (Country Living  'gate' still hung heavy, missed opportunities, 'It should have been me', 'I would have looked good on the small screen' and 'I was making those years ago.....'..... mutterings in a similar vein).  She was in danger of gathering more than  a whiff of resentment about her.  This faint whiff gathered speed during the interview to an almighty crescendo of bitterness, thus necessitating the dispensing of even more delicately hand embroidered handkerchiefs  (via a beautifully embroidered handkerchief case we hasten to add)   At one point we did start to think that she might run out but we were assured that there were 'plenty' more upstairs.

We did not doubt this for one minute...............

As the interview drew to a close we asked if we could possibly take a photograph....perhaps a photograph of something that she had made....something 'special'.....something that the readers might like to see.....something for the world to gaze upon.........you know...something NICE.

At this point La Cootard went into a paroxysm of fury....we had no idea we had inadvertently touched  the rawest nerve ending of all the very raw nerve endings in the whole  Kingdom of Raw Nerve Endings !  At one point foam was seen fizzing from the corners of her not so pleasant mouth.  We gathered that the interview was complete.....

After conducting a full body search for vintage items and exposing all photographs to the full glare of the sun La Cootard ushered us off the premises. We departed with a final  shot of La Cootard as she manfully (!) tried to muster a glimmer of humour and a glimpse of  decorum about her embroidered self.

There she stood......

in the doorway......

with a hint of a tear in the corner of her left eye.......

waving.....

waving  a piece of  beige coloured cloth as she grimaced and forced a smile through the grittiest teeth we ever did see....

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As the sun began to sink lower in the evening sky....

and just before we turned to head home....

we saw that the cloth had caught the very last breath of wind for the day...

it was fluttering gently above her head.....

and there.....

emblazoned on the cloth.....

embroidered in her own fair hand......

in a range of clashy colours....

for all the world to see.....

were the La Cootard's final words for us......

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'It has all been rather lovely.....'

So.......

until we meet again.......

tatty bye everybody....tatty bye...