21.30 - Arrival. Meeting but not too much greeting (a little later than last year - to be honest the early start was all too much)
Evening Meal provided - there will be a limit put on portion size. The amounts that some put away last year was quite staggering as Punter A (as per usual you know who you are) quite literally troughed her way through all my profit margin (again).
22.30 - There will be some evening entertainment (my usual rendition of 'There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu' - so popular last year - video available on 'You Tube' - recording contract under review) but a strict curfew of 23.00. I am coming down hard this year on any slackers who persistently ask for more alcohol and can they 'puhleeeeesss' stay up a little longer. You will suffer in the morning so the answer is a firm but fair 'no'.There are shared toilet facilities so please ensure no 'gifts' are left for fellow residents this year (Punter P the main culprit here - I was really not interested in your 'I had a curry last night' excuse!)
23.00 - Lights out. I am putting the mockers on 'tittering' throughout the night - we are not in a kindergarten are we!
06.00: Reveille PROMPT. Again I will have to be strict here - the slugabeds (something for the Shakespearians) who just roll over will be penalised by not attending the main event (a no refund reminder). Harsh but fair on those of us 'early dawners'. No showers allowed for the morning shift - wipes are provided for delicate areas. I am also banning use of hair dryers and other electricals for hair frou frou'ing - it is not a fashion show and again no one thanks a slacker.
06.30: Breakfast : I have been in liasion with the Olympic team chefs and sought advice regarding calorific intake needed for the day. A balanced, but carefully budgeted, breakfast has been sourced (Lidl remains open late the previous night so if anyone is free to help with the shop it would be appreciated...........)
Does it really have to be said that you need to dress appropriately? Those 4 inch heels that some were teetering around in through the mud was quite laughable last year.
06.35: Car Boot Briefing I will call it on the day itself but we may instigate the tried and tested 'pincer movement' technique - it worked very well last year (you may recall how we ousted the 'Chichester Posse' as they tried to muscle in on some tablecloths - I wasn't going to have that I can tell you.). Depending upon my initial assessment we may perhaps implement the 'Swoop and snatch' method (can be difficult with large crowds but in sufficient numbers we should be good to go on that one). Note to self: remember to complete the medical assessment prior to acceptance - those with dodgy knees and bunions will hold up the main gang and must be refused entry- we cannot be held back for sake of a few....hang on a minute I've got dodgy knees and bunions..... I will have the standard kit (gold testing/Miller's Guide etc) - could I ask one of the 'Yoof' members to bring an 'i phone' device so that we can tap into ebay memory banks at a moments notice. Fortunately my memory is prodigious so I can be relied upon for a pretty quick assessment of most fabrics/china/books. You will have to search your own conscience as you to what you have to offer to the group (some of you will have to search deeper than others.....)
06.45 Departure: No cars - a short brisk walk. Though a full health & safety check of the route has been carried out - and I will be issuing Hi-vis jackets/hard hats/steel capped shoes - you will be responsible for your own safety both en route and at the actual event. The less sharp elbowed amongst you will have to fend for yourselves. The broken rib sustained last year has been settled out of court.....Full liability insurance available on request - optional extra. Any cat stroking, tittering, stepping in dog pooh will be dealt with accordingly. Umbrellas/sun cream - optional extra.
08.00: Arrive at car boot. Another reminder that your fee for the weekend does NOT include the 20p entry fee. I remember the frantic - bordering on hysteria (Punter H) - protests from last year so I am being very clear about this early on. Please read the very small print in your terms and conditions. Also a reminder here that it is not my fault if you did not bring your glasses (if you are lucky there might be some at the car boot!).
Main event part one: You have 35 minutes to source the car boot for a special something for the upcycling activity. Please try and think creatively - some of your purchases last season were a little weak and there is scope for improvement this year. I will NOT - I repeat NOT - be giving free advice on the hoof. The constant badgering last year was overwhelming: 'What do you think La Cootard? Would you buy this La Cootard? What could I do with this La Cootard?' 'Would H&A like this La Cootard?'. I know this comes as a shock but I am not Methuselah and there is an extra fee for the 'Personal shopping experience' (again refer to terms and conditions for details).
09.35: Return to Custard Towers (walking faster homeward bound). Tea an optional extra. Tap Water available on request. No ice provided - sorry but last year the crunching really got to me.
9.35 - 10.00 - The Preliminary Sortee - where we show off our purchases and secretly dig daggers in Punter B who always seems to have bought THE star item (with her ruddy tra la la's and fiddle de dees - sometimes I could poke her in the eyes). A reminder that there will be full security checks before entering Custard Towers. Sorry that Punter B spoiled it last time by smuggling in imported goods - heavily embroidered tablecloths, layered with Crinoline Ladies all for 5p. Are you having a giraffe! That is called CHEATING! I will be watching very, very carefully this year and after the optional extra tea we can watch the security camera playback to double check in case my eagle eyes missed anything. Probably should add in here that I have put double bolts on my sewing room door - guided tours are an added extra (the usual terms and conditions apply). All of my products have been marked with invisible ink, only seen under the UV lights (as sited by the front door). The 'No to Pinsect' (double barrelled copyright protected) pincushions are on sale as a souvenir item (no comedic effect here!!). NB*
10.00 - 11.00 Main event Part Two (I have added in an extra 15 minutes this year as I realise that we are not all as dexterous as we used to be...). The main fun (guarded use of that word) - you take your car boot purchase and makes something BETTER & MORE USEFUL out of it. I am emphasising certain points as the essence of it was lost on some of you last year.....sorry that you had to 'Walk the Walk of Shame' Punter G.....it is a harsh lesson but best to learn it whilst relatively young.
11.00 - The Show and Tell experience. Here you display your item and explain what you were trying to achieve. I will encourage applause but cannot be held responsible for any silence....
11.05 - There is a small prize for the winner (as gauged by myself - the vote rigging last year was astonishing...Punter C.....again....)
11.10 - Prompt departure - no feigned farewells and 'We must keep in touch dahling' please. Say it as it is - it been ok but that is it. End of.
No refunds offered
Last years winning entry.....(now part of the 'Vintage Floral Chair in Summer' range - available in all good stores)
Nice detailing! Very well done to this particular punter - exemplary work I think. I recall that the winner was particularly pleased as they had been wanting to break into the garden chair market for some time...
PS: Book signing outside the Co-op as per yoosh - Saturday 10-10.20. Photographs optional extra (I notice how Ren managed to sneak one in under the wire - ho ho) New job as script writer in the offing. Glass Emporium thriving. All is tickety boo
PPS: I have got a tight deadline for work looming - if you see me back here within the next week tell me to leave please!!
PPPS: Last minute reminder that urine testing is compulsory this year - I recall the incident from two years ago when Punter F was found to have extra, extra hyper duper caffeine in her urine (in order to turbo charge her already forceful elbowing action). We are still reeling from the shock and the 10 year ban has another 8 years to run! You have been warned.